Human beings terrify me.

They didn’t always. Honestly, up until my junior year in high school, I was the most ridiculous social butterfly. The definition of extrovert. I was surrounded by a sea of friends & didn’t have issues trusting or befriending anybody. I could make conversation with anyone who made eye contact with me.

I had several “best” friends, that I genuinely gave my entire heart to. I’d do just about anything for them, and at times, I absolutely did.

When I look back on all of that I am nostalgic, sure, but mostly I am regretful.

I was a good friend. I was helpful, honest, selfless, and loyal. I was so good the the people I loved. That sounds so vain, but I was. I was there. 100% there. I have avoided speaking about this for so long, but this is me coming to terms.

In the end. I was betrayed. I was broken and used by someone I loved above myself. I was taken advantage of and exploited. And after I burned that bridge, I was hatefully harassed for almost two years. I was hopelessly depressed and this sort of event totally changed who I was for the worse.

I am a God awful friend. It’s honestly a punch in the gut to even write that out. Anyone who knows me can attest to that, though, even if they didn’t want to. I don’t reply emails, texts, letters, or even phone calls (and it definitely doesn’t help my case that those I care about are hundreds of miles away.) I get relieved about canceled plans with strangers, I get nervous when calling to make appointments (or calling anyone for that matter,) and I’m not there for those who need me. Not even close. And most of the time, I don’t even feel bad for it. Being a douche-bag friend has been my way of guarding myself. I don’t know, I guess I just feel like if another bridge is burned, at least it will be on my terms. I hate myself for it. I do. I want to be a good friend, and I envy those that have less pride than I do.

I’m comfortable in my solitude, but these selfish habits get lonely sometimes. I guess I need to just shut up & let someone in.