Sometimes I feel like the Taylor Swift of Tumblr.

People here commonly tell me that my life is ‘perfect,’ or they ‘want what I have’, or that they admire my marriage. Maybe I am romanticizing my life. I don’t know. This is honestly not my intention. Comments such as these make me feel like I give off the message that you’re only chance at happiness is if you find an unrealistic prince charming to sweep you off your feet and erase all of your problems. This is misleading, and most definitely not what I stand for or believe in. While, I have been honest and true to every feeling I write on here, I choose to only write about the positive aspects of my life. My reason for doing so is 1.) the dirty details of my marriage are not a few thousands of strangers business & 2.) I simply want to remember the good.

What needs to be remembered, though, is that no two people - no one person, rather- is perfect. No one. I know I have a good thing. I really do, but, my hell. Marriage is messy. Marriage is hard. Marriage is complicated and confusing, and although everyone’s experience is different - this one fact remains constant - marriage is work. I am a human being. I married a human being. My heart has sunk with mistakes he has made & his spirit has been crushed with my abusive slurs. We’ve been married a whopping ten months and there’s already been nights where we have slept in separate beds. I have treated him in ways no one deserves, and he sure as hell has not given me what I deserve at times. I understand why marriages end, I get why, sometimes, leaving is the best thing you can do for each other. That understanding terrifies me. Nothing is certain except for the present. I can only control my own happiness. I can only control what percentage I put into my marriage. Only half of this equation is up to me. 50%. That leaves a lot of room for failure.

All in all, however, I am an individual. I am happy because I am aware of the fact that happiness only comes from within myself. Nothing else. And because of this - I know that whatever happens with my life or my marriage, I will be okay.